Tuesday, June 19, 2012

When Will This Nightmare Be Over?

I didn't get a chance to see my dad on Father's Day due to him being so sick, so today my sister and I went over for dinner. I got there an hour before Kim did and my dad put me right to work-he asked me to clip his toenails. Now, I hate feet, always have and always will, but working as CNA and caregiver means having to deal with all types of feet. He's my dad and I love him with all my heart, so of course I did that for him. He was very appreciative. While I was doing that for him (he was too weak to lean forward far enough to do it, and he was in a lot of pain), he told me that he wants me to make a list of everything in his house/garage/attic that I want to have when he dies, this way if Kim and I want the same thing, he can make the decision so there are no fights after he dies.

So I started to do it, and to be completely honest, it was the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Knowing that these objects are going to be split up and given away or sold. It's just so so surreal. My dad is dying and we all know this. I just keep waiting for the moment where I will wake up and it was all just a part of a terrible nightmare. But it isn't. It's real. and I am just so fucking distraught and lost.

The above was written last night before I went to bed. When I woke up this morning I called my dad to see how his appointment went with his primary care doctor. The appointment went well, except the doctor removed over a dozen skin cancer cells (malignant) from his face. The doctor used liquid nitrogen to burn/freeze them off. I am just at a loss for words. The chemo he is on is supposed to be preventing new cancer cells from forming, but it's not. He is having his third infusion next week so we'll see what his blood tests show and see if there are any new tumors, or if his leg tumor has shrunk at all. He has a lot of side effects from the chemo already, but hopefully they won't get any worse or else he'll be forced to stop treatment completely.

I've pretty much been crying all day. My dad is a great man and doesn't deserve this. My family doesn't deserve this. It's too much for my heart to handle right now. I just want things back the way they were. Before he got fucking cancer.

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* You and your family are in my thoughts, as always.