Monday, June 11, 2012

There's a lot on my mind

Tonight I have a LOT on my mind, which sometimes can be a good thing but tonight it is a bad thing. I have a tendency to over-analyze everything and anything. 

Lately I have been thinking about death (obviously) and grief. Grief is such a personal and unique experience to each person who deals with it. The way I choose to grieve over my dad's fate is not going to be the same way that any of you have or will grieve over the same thing. The way a person feels about losing a beloved pet is not the same as how I feel about losing my dad. It really, truly upsets me and angers me when people tell me that they understand what I am going through, and that they totally get how I am feeling. YOU DON'T. Nobody does. I'm not saying this to be a bitch, but it is fact. My grief is uniquely tailored to suit me-not anybody else. When my dad passes I may go into full blown depression-mode, or I may act like everything is fine. I don't know how I will act, but I do know that it is something that nobody else can relate to.

The other thing that pisses me off is when people tell me how I should or shouldn't be feeling. The first example of this was right after my dad was diagnosed and my said, "Have you broken down yet?". It really made me mad because yes, I had, but who cares if I hadn't at that point? There is no time frame on grief or sadness. Emotions happen at the right time, whether they are immediate or delayed. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I am very, very angry right now and I have had several people tell me that I shouldn't be angry. FUCK YOU. Anger is a perfect acceptable reaction to this situation, and if anybody feels like I am in the wrong for being mad, do me a favor and don't associate with me anymore.

I am very angry that my father, who is an amazing, kind, generous, loving soul is being put through hell. He did everything right and is being punished for NOTHING. He wore sunscreen, sleeves, sunglasses, hats, and he never tanned. So why him? Why do murderers, rapists, pedophiles, all-around horrible people get to live full lives, and my father has to have his cut short? In what world is that fair?! Seriously, tell me. Some people who talk to me like to think they have all the answers, so go ahead-answer that one! Truth is, those of you reading this aren't the ones who act like ignorant jerks, thank God. It's just very upsetting to me. 

I want my dad to give RJ permission to marry me someday. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle, and to dance to 'My Girl' at my wedding. I want him to give a toast at the wedding, and to see us off on our wedding night. I want my dad to be there when I announce I'm having a baby, and I want him to meet his grand children. My father is being cheated. My family, and future family, are all being cheated. It's not fair. Please, everybody who is reading this, do me a couple of favors:

1. Wear sunscreen, hats, sunglasses, and do not indoor tan. Your life depends on it. The sun is a mother fucker, and I don't want any of you to go through what I am.
2. Hug your family tonight and tell them how much you love them. You NEVER know what tomorrow can bring, as cliche as that sounds. My whole world changed overnight. Yours can, too. Be thankful for what you have and who you have in your life. If you aren't happy, change something. It's never too late to start making something out of your life. 

Never take your life for granted. My father has had a pretty amazing life. He's in MENSA, for Christ's sake lol. He has been married, has children, and has a wonderful family who loves him. Having loving family and friends pretty much trumps anything else. When he passes away I know he will have no regrets. I know I will have some amazing memories with him to cherish forever, and I will acknowledge my dad's spiritual presence at my wedding, and I will tell my children all about him. I will not let his memory die. He is the best man I have ever known, and I am so blessed to have time with him. It may not be much, but it's better than nothing.

1 comment:

  1. Soooooooooo well put, it's beyond refreshing to read about someone that feels me.

    I've had people tell me "don't be angry" too...which is probably the shittiest thing to hear. Really? I shouldn't be angry about cancer! I mean that's just so far out that people think there's something unheathly about being upset about a terminal illness that a loved one doesn't deserve to have. From what professionals tells me (those people who have dedicated their lives to helping other peoples' emotional and mental health) it's healthy feel angry about cancer. To express your feelings and be true to yourself.

    Haha sorry just ranting but man it feels good.

    I get it, people just feel uncomfortable to talk about cancer. Even your relatives and friends. But isn't that messed up? Doesn't that make anyone upset?

    What kind of society is so in denial about bad things happening to good productive members of their society...oh yeah that's right, the one that just finally took a step toward universal healthcare (which is awesome, but it's about time!)