My Bucket List

I really hate how cliche it is to have a bucket list, but I am bored so here is mine, in no specific order:

-Go to college, get a degree
-Get married to RJ
-Own a house
-Buy a brand new car
-Grow my hair out super long :)
-Have children
-Visit Europe
-Attend Burning Man
-Go to Disneyland/Disneyworld
-Drink real French champagne
-Go to Spain
-Buy a real Louis Vuitton bag
-Be alive when they find a cure for Crohn's, Endometriosis, and Melanoma

I know they aren't epic, but it's what I want to do! I will definitely be happy when these are accomplished. There isn't really a side to me that's fueled by adrenaline, so I don't want to skydive or bungee jump or something like that. I just want to love, travel, have a family and make my dad proud.

3rd Infusion down, 1 more to go!

Well I am home from OHSU. The doctor appointment went well for the most part. My dad's leg is extremely swollen and the dr wasn't SUPER concerned with my dad's coughing/lungs right now, because he said that after the final infusion of yervoy (#4) it takes about a month later for it to kick in and do its magic, so after the next and last infusion we'll start seeing results, or we won't. After that time they may decide to do radiation on the leg tumor, but the radiation can cause more swelling in the ankle and it's already EXTREMELY swollen and they don't want to make my father immobile or wheelchair-bound, so we are sort of just going to play the waiting game and see what the chemo does.


Infusion #3 went well today. We just hung out and talked and made fun of infomercials and people on the streets. My uncle flies home tomorrow which sucks but it was nice having him visit for a week!!


My dad has a brain MRI in July as well as the last infusion. July is going to be a busy, stress-inducing month. I don't really have much more to update on! Dad is in a great mood but his leg is so swollen it's really concerning me. It's probably triple the size of his normal leg. It's so bad :( Thank you all for your continued support! It truly means so much to my family and I. 


On another note, I should be starting Remicade soon! It's the only medication I haven't tried for my Crohn's and it has a high success rate for remission. I am very excited! I have to get a PPD test done this week and then I should be able to start next week! YAY!! It's an infusion, a lot like chemo, so I have to sit in an infusion center for 3-4 hours while it gets pumped into my blood stream which is totally fine if it puts me in remission!!!


I hope everybody has a great week! I'll keep you posted on the remicade and my dad's health!!

Awesome Quote

This quote is pretty awesome. I just thought I'd share it with all of you :)

When Will This Nightmare Be Over?

I didn't get a chance to see my dad on Father's Day due to him being so sick, so today my sister and I went over for dinner. I got there an hour before Kim did and my dad put me right to work-he asked me to clip his toenails. Now, I hate feet, always have and always will, but working as CNA and caregiver means having to deal with all types of feet. He's my dad and I love him with all my heart, so of course I did that for him. He was very appreciative. While I was doing that for him (he was too weak to lean forward far enough to do it, and he was in a lot of pain), he told me that he wants me to make a list of everything in his house/garage/attic that I want to have when he dies, this way if Kim and I want the same thing, he can make the decision so there are no fights after he dies.

So I started to do it, and to be completely honest, it was the hardest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Knowing that these objects are going to be split up and given away or sold. It's just so so surreal. My dad is dying and we all know this. I just keep waiting for the moment where I will wake up and it was all just a part of a terrible nightmare. But it isn't. It's real. and I am just so fucking distraught and lost.

The above was written last night before I went to bed. When I woke up this morning I called my dad to see how his appointment went with his primary care doctor. The appointment went well, except the doctor removed over a dozen skin cancer cells (malignant) from his face. The doctor used liquid nitrogen to burn/freeze them off. I am just at a loss for words. The chemo he is on is supposed to be preventing new cancer cells from forming, but it's not. He is having his third infusion next week so we'll see what his blood tests show and see if there are any new tumors, or if his leg tumor has shrunk at all. He has a lot of side effects from the chemo already, but hopefully they won't get any worse or else he'll be forced to stop treatment completely.

I've pretty much been crying all day. My dad is a great man and doesn't deserve this. My family doesn't deserve this. It's too much for my heart to handle right now. I just want things back the way they were. Before he got fucking cancer.

There's a lot on my mind

Tonight I have a LOT on my mind, which sometimes can be a good thing but tonight it is a bad thing. I have a tendency to over-analyze everything and anything. 

Lately I have been thinking about death (obviously) and grief. Grief is such a personal and unique experience to each person who deals with it. The way I choose to grieve over my dad's fate is not going to be the same way that any of you have or will grieve over the same thing. The way a person feels about losing a beloved pet is not the same as how I feel about losing my dad. It really, truly upsets me and angers me when people tell me that they understand what I am going through, and that they totally get how I am feeling. YOU DON'T. Nobody does. I'm not saying this to be a bitch, but it is fact. My grief is uniquely tailored to suit me-not anybody else. When my dad passes I may go into full blown depression-mode, or I may act like everything is fine. I don't know how I will act, but I do know that it is something that nobody else can relate to.

The other thing that pisses me off is when people tell me how I should or shouldn't be feeling. The first example of this was right after my dad was diagnosed and my said, "Have you broken down yet?". It really made me mad because yes, I had, but who cares if I hadn't at that point? There is no time frame on grief or sadness. Emotions happen at the right time, whether they are immediate or delayed. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I am very, very angry right now and I have had several people tell me that I shouldn't be angry. FUCK YOU. Anger is a perfect acceptable reaction to this situation, and if anybody feels like I am in the wrong for being mad, do me a favor and don't associate with me anymore.

I am very angry that my father, who is an amazing, kind, generous, loving soul is being put through hell. He did everything right and is being punished for NOTHING. He wore sunscreen, sleeves, sunglasses, hats, and he never tanned. So why him? Why do murderers, rapists, pedophiles, all-around horrible people get to live full lives, and my father has to have his cut short? In what world is that fair?! Seriously, tell me. Some people who talk to me like to think they have all the answers, so go ahead-answer that one! Truth is, those of you reading this aren't the ones who act like ignorant jerks, thank God. It's just very upsetting to me. 

I want my dad to give RJ permission to marry me someday. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle, and to dance to 'My Girl' at my wedding. I want him to give a toast at the wedding, and to see us off on our wedding night. I want my dad to be there when I announce I'm having a baby, and I want him to meet his grand children. My father is being cheated. My family, and future family, are all being cheated. It's not fair. Please, everybody who is reading this, do me a couple of favors:

1. Wear sunscreen, hats, sunglasses, and do not indoor tan. Your life depends on it. The sun is a mother fucker, and I don't want any of you to go through what I am.

2. Hug your family tonight and tell them how much you love them. You NEVER know what tomorrow can bring, as cliche as that sounds. My whole world changed overnight. Yours can, too. Be thankful for what you have and who you have in your life. If you aren't happy, change something. It's never too late to start making something out of your life. 

Never take your life for granted. My father has had a pretty amazing life. He's in MENSA, for Christ's sake lol. He has been married, has children, and has a wonderful family who loves him. Having loving family and friends pretty much trumps anything else. When he passes away I know he will have no regrets. I know I will have some amazing memories with him to cherish forever, and I will acknowledge my dad's spiritual presence at my wedding, and I will tell my children all about him. I will not let his memory die. He is the best man I have ever known, and I am so blessed to have time with him. It may not be much, but it's better than nothing.

Surgery Pics!

Well as I said, yesterday I had a laparoscopy for my endometriosis! The surgery was successful. He got all of my endo, but the pic of myuterus on here? Obviously if you've ever taken a health class, you know the fallopian tubes go upwards, like a 'U' shape. Well adhesions and scar tissue from my bowel resection in December ruined my uterus and it was literally pulling down my uterus and tubes, asyou can see in the photo. It's not upside down or anything-that's how awful my insides looked! But he got rid of all the adhesions/scar tissue so I should be good to go after I heal from the surgery! Gnarly, huh?!

Surgery tomorrow!

Well my lovelies, tomorrow I am getting surgery at 10am! I have to go in at 8:30am and my surgery starts at 10am! I hope everybody has a fantastic day and I will post an update in the afternoon if I am feeling up to it!!

Today was a great day!

I had so so much fun with my sister-in-law, Tarah and one of her sons, Ryder! She came over and we just talked a bit and surprised my mom and step-dad (her father-in-law), then we all went out to eat! It was definitely a great day! It's so nice to know that even if there is no blood relation, we can still be very close like siblings and have fun :)

We had a wonderful day and I'm glad she go to come out!!! I hope everybody else is having a great weekend as well :)