This Hurt Never Goes Away

There are some moments during my day when I realize that my heart isn't hurting and I am okay. Then there are other parts of my day where all I want to do is scream, cry, throw things and throw up. I get sick to my stomach when I remember over and over again that my dad is no longer in my life. He's dead. That's a lot of weight to carry around for the rest of my life whenever somebody will inevitably ask me about my parents. I know I can speak to him anytime I desire. I can just start talking, or praying, or write him letters. It's just not the same as having him here, in real life, available to hug and kiss and hear his voice one last time.

I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother last night on Netflix and it was about Marshall's last words from his father before he passed away. It's easily one of my favorite episodes. It's so real, and so touching. It got me thinking about what my last words were to my dad, and what his were to me. I was leaving the room, after I kissed and said I'd be in there later, then I said to him, "don't give the nurse any hell, dad!" to which he replied, "no worries-only the EMTs!". Then he said "See ya in a bit"...and that was that. He died a few hours later.

After he died I got to spend some alone time with him. I placed my hand on his heart and I kissed his forehead. I told him I love him and that he was and always will be the best dad in the whole world.

I miss you, daddy. I miss you so much it hurts. It causes me actual physical pain. I want to call you SO badly and hear your voice again and I just can't, and it's tearing me apart.

I just needed to vent a little. Please tell your loved ones how you feel about them as often as possible. You never know when they may be your last words to them.